fragile but strong

 

last week, the announcement was made at work that i am retiring after 34 years.

the place that i grew up, the co-workers who became friends and family, the hard lessons learned, the many gifts received...

i was walking away, but leaving behind a lot of my life, my identity, my world.

but when it's not easy to go but even harder to stay, you know it's time.

as word got out, and it became more real,

i could feel the weight lifting off my shoulders.

my smile felt more sincere, my voice was sounding happier. i could hear it :)

 

then, on monday, joey's job unexpectedly came to an end.

he had been there 15 years and this was a way of life, an identity, for him too.

omg OMFG.

every plan that we had painstakingly put in place fell apart.

it was funny at first - how weird that the timing happened this way, chuckle chuckle

then we started envisioning how april -may, june, july etc- would go,

and we both got really scared. and really sad.

this truly was not our plan.

omg

OMFG

 

 

how could we do this? 

this meant we'd have to get health insurance?

we'd be selling the condo and moving to the cape?

what would we do together all day?

should i pull back the retirement, stay where there's security, an income, health insurance, a continuity of our current lifestyle, a daily routine...?

i think we both aged in the 24 hours that followed the announcement that his place of business was closing. 

he has a month from today until d-day.

i have until march 30. it is crazy.

 

 

we talked and we hugged. and slept. and thought.

and we cried a lot.  

and ultimately we made a new decision.

 

we are going to embrace this new world we've found ourselves in as a gift.

for the first time in the 33 yrs that we've lived together,

we will be unbound to 9-5 commitments.

we will need to find new routines. that's a good thing.

we may have less money to spend, but that too can be a good thing.

we never thought we'd be lucky enough to get to retire together.

many people don't get that option in life.

the plan we put together so meticulously didnt hold up long enough for me to even get to the first day of retirement. 

so, there's no plan this go-round.

this time, we just hold hands, and step off the edge, together.

 

fragile

but strong.

 

 

 

 

 

september colors...

a month of transitions...

 

 

 

 

 

a safe little hidey-hole...

each year, i take the week between Christmas and New Year's off from work.  its time for a rest after the craziness at work and the stress to have (and deliver) a wonderful holiday at home.   i usually spend hours - or days - putzing, reading, snacking, resting...

and i reflect.   on the year behind me, along with the year in front of me...
i SO look forward to this one week because it is all mine.  joey is at work, so i don't feel like i need to chat, explain, eat a meal...nothing.   i can do whatever.   i LOVE it :)  

and the best part of this week is that, in my mind, it is a FREE week.  it's not part of 2011, nor is it part of 2012.   it's a safe little hidey-hole.    an in-between week that has no goal from 2011 to live up to, no dream for 2012 to push thru, no p r e s s u r e from either the inside out, or the outside in.   the only thing i really want to have accomplished at the end of the week is to gain a little bit of self-awareness.  

this year, i decided to look forward first.  where do i want to be at the end of 2012?  what do i want to put into this coming year, what do i want to get out this coming year?  

last year, i needed to see way into the future, i needed to take action towards retiring.  so we bought the house at cape cod.  huge deal for us, HUGE.  and, now that we did it and can look back, it feels right.  phew...

this year, what? 
this year, i need to move forward.  i think, besides the house, 2011 was a year of replaying things that worked for me other years. . .

• i did photo hunt word of the day in 2010, and different versions of it in 2011.  all fun but not as impactful as the original to me.  
• i did events at work that had worked other years, tweaked them for 2011, all fun but not with the success i was hoping for, or had seen in the past. 
• i went for rides, i gardened, i connected with friends on facebook...all good stuff but not the same level of fulfillment anymore. 

eek.  what was wrong???
i felt confused a good part of the year.  makes me kinda sad when i look back,  i was a little bit lost.  but, as i look back from this little hidey-hole of my in-between week,  i think it was all as it should be.  i think it was a time to take sideward steps.  i hung on to 'stuff' this past year, and i think that was ok.   i kept learning and refining, tweaking along the way. 

but maybe its now time to let go...
letting go is never easy for me, and i'm not sure what i need to let go OF yet, but i am feeling some twinges of something new poking at me, in a good way.  i am also feeling the start of a new outlook for the new year...
not yet ready to put it in words, but for the first day of my favorite week, i've got a happy smile and a light heart and that's really all i need today :)

window

looking in or looking out?
looking to the future or looking to the past?
wanting to be on the other side?
or grateful for where i am?

windows - i don't know why, but i love them...

reflections of thursday

the word of the day was reflections. i saw them everywhere, once i started looking. as i reflect on my images of reflections, i realize that this photo scavenger hunt has made me much more aware of all that is around me. my hope was that it would bring life to my life. and it has and i'm grateful.