fragile but strong

 

last week, the announcement was made at work that i am retiring after 34 years.

the place that i grew up, the co-workers who became friends and family, the hard lessons learned, the many gifts received...

i was walking away, but leaving behind a lot of my life, my identity, my world.

but when it's not easy to go but even harder to stay, you know it's time.

as word got out, and it became more real,

i could feel the weight lifting off my shoulders.

my smile felt more sincere, my voice was sounding happier. i could hear it :)

 

then, on monday, joey's job unexpectedly came to an end.

he had been there 15 years and this was a way of life, an identity, for him too.

omg OMFG.

every plan that we had painstakingly put in place fell apart.

it was funny at first - how weird that the timing happened this way, chuckle chuckle

then we started envisioning how april -may, june, july etc- would go,

and we both got really scared. and really sad.

this truly was not our plan.

omg

OMFG

 

 

how could we do this? 

this meant we'd have to get health insurance?

we'd be selling the condo and moving to the cape?

what would we do together all day?

should i pull back the retirement, stay where there's security, an income, health insurance, a continuity of our current lifestyle, a daily routine...?

i think we both aged in the 24 hours that followed the announcement that his place of business was closing. 

he has a month from today until d-day.

i have until march 30. it is crazy.

 

 

we talked and we hugged. and slept. and thought.

and we cried a lot.  

and ultimately we made a new decision.

 

we are going to embrace this new world we've found ourselves in as a gift.

for the first time in the 33 yrs that we've lived together,

we will be unbound to 9-5 commitments.

we will need to find new routines. that's a good thing.

we may have less money to spend, but that too can be a good thing.

we never thought we'd be lucky enough to get to retire together.

many people don't get that option in life.

the plan we put together so meticulously didnt hold up long enough for me to even get to the first day of retirement. 

so, there's no plan this go-round.

this time, we just hold hands, and step off the edge, together.

 

fragile

but strong.

 

 

 

 

 

where's the line

since 1979, i have written to myself to sort things out.

i had left my ex-husband and needed to figure out who i was, without his influence.

the theme of those years was clearly trying to find my own voice. 

i longed to be confident enough to live, as i called it, inside out. 

to let me be me, and to let go of approval seeking thinking.

did i ever get there? who knows.  but i don't care anymore so i think that's a good sign.  i am going to consider that as progress :)

the writings then seemed to turn to how to find a balance

between work and play, duty and adventure.  these were fun years. 

it wasn't an internal struggle for a voice, it was more of a constant quest for LIFE. 

the overwhelming need to appreciate the moment is evident in all the journals from my forties, into the fifties. i walked in the rain, rolled in the hay and played in the snow.  oh what a time it was.

and then, life moved on. my mother got sick and died.

all of the appreciation of the moment turned to fear of loss, longing for yesterday.

and bigger than all of that, how to go forward and

prepare for the end of my own life.  what would be my legacy? 

how would i live in my older years? would i be able to provide for myself? where would i want to be, who would i want to have been? 

 

these were feelings, not thoughts nor words. i didn't write in my journals.

i didn't read self help books. i didn't garden.

i worked. actually, i over-worked. 

and i took pictures. day and night.

i read blogs, i looked thru magazines, i watched hgtv.

i searched constantly.

for something, anything, everything.

for some reason, that gave me breathing room.  

 

as i think about it now, i think i was running.

running away, running towards...don't know.  

but subconsciously, i realized i needed to do, not think. 

however i'm not sure that i liked all the doing.

work pissed me off, at a level that it hadn't ever reached before. and that's because it felt like work was standing between me and LIFE.

 i wanted time to live my life. i wanted to own all of my minutes,

every freaking one of them. 

i knew at a deeper level that time was marching on.

giving away time - minutes, hours, days, weeks, years -

to work/lifetouch didn't sit well. they stole my minutes. so i stole minutes back.

i took pictures as i drove to work.

i took pictures at work.

i bought prop kits instead of setting goals,

i studied photography instead of sales results.  it worked for a while.

but now, today?  i am thinking no.

 

 

so now my writing, or my thoughts or my feelings, all end up at where's the line.

now i find i need to write about figuring out when is enough truly enough.

enough money in the bank to retire. enough years worked to retire.

enough trust in the future to say enough, and retire.

apparently, the key word is retire.

 

we bought our house at cape cod so we could live out our days there.

we thought it through - enfield had no draw for us except our jobs.

albany was home but it'd been 30 yrs since we lived there and

we weren't sure that it would be a joyful goal to go there. 

 it had a feeling of 'longing for yesterday' instead of living for today.

 

so cape cod was a great choice. it had a lifetime of history which gave it a feeling of 'home' along with a new twist - owning a house.  it did, however, add to list of to-dos. we DO more, instead of relax more. and this adds to the feeling of where is the line. where the hell are my minutes. i need more minutes.

 

i am an artist. i have been an artist since i was a kid.

i see things visually - from gardening, to photography, to hgtv.

i don't want to be a people manager. i don't want to be a sales manager.

i want to be - i AM - an artist.

 

so here i sit on a sunday morning, in late october.

ahead of me lies the crazy season at work when a 24 hr work day does not get the job done. and word is, this might be the busiest season ever.  yay.  just what i need.

but truth is, maybe this IS exactly what i need. 

a year that defines where that elusive line is.

where the commitment to work/lifetouch

clearly becomes more than i am willing to give.

the tug-of-war for my minutes and the confusion on where to draw the line is already taking a toll. i think that there's a break-through on the horizon.

and that makes me smile

 

so, come on santa claus, do your thing.

bring it on.

i think you might have a gift for me this Christmas.

and i just may be ready for it :)

 

 

a note to self...

dear self,

you are going down that old familiar late-october path

to peak season hell in the portrait studio. 

you have gritted your teeth into pieces, literally. 

your head feels like it is swollen from too much activity. 

your back is already crippling you and its only mid-october.

your driving foot is in spasms and your stomach is joining your driving foot

in the dance of the stressed-out district manager body parts.

you are closing in on 60,

and your parts should not be put through this kind of pressure. 

they won't make it thru to the other side

without telltale signs of what you're doing to yourself. 

but because you're older,
you know more than you used to.
and that is adding even more stress.
this is the 33rd peak season
you've gone thru and you do know
what it takes to make it better. 
THAT is what is stressing you out.
let it go. 
look for sweet smiles, look for good stuff and look away from the stuff
that amps up the impulse to
fix-fix-fix before it's too late. 
there is no fix that can hold up totally, there is no fix that will make it all okay for everybody. 
let them learn their lessons, let them apply lessons from other years, & let the f#@k go.  got it?

now, today, this week...what will make that difference? 

more wandering, less conference calls? 

more conference calls, less wandering? 

 i am thinking less wandering and less conference calls. 

its time for a work-life balance readjustment. 

and today is the day. 

sweet sisters of stone...

i am in love with statues that i find in cemeteries...

 

 

 

 

i see vulnerability and strength...sweetness and sadness...

every time i find one,

i wonder about who they represent,

and about the  family

who's loss is soothed by these beautiful statues...

 

To the sweet sisters of stone -

may you always stand strong,

and may you forever rest in peace...

 

each image has been enhanced with kim klassen's textures



september colors...

a month of transitions...

 

 

 

 

 

hellooo...

i am hoping august is the month.

i've been on hold, waiting and wondering.  testing the waters occasionally but each little step forward proved to be a no-go.

the deal is that i am trying to emerge from an overdose... a photographic/deadline/hell-hole of my own making.

it appears that the photography chairman's award contest at work, combined with photo hunt word of the day on facebook, and texture tuesday, and beyond layers, and my own projects such as self portrait every day, put me over the acceptable levels of photography projects with due dates and/or deadlines.

i don't know exactly what happened, or even when it happened, but i lost the light for a bit over these past few months. 

i haven't figured out exactly how to go forward.  i miss posting stuff. i keep shooting and trying new stuff, with cameras and software etc.  but i am not sure i can trust myself to know my own boundaries yet.  i resist posting - on blogs, facebook, flickr, instagram - because i tend towards the all-or-nothing kind of mindset.

so i am letting go of a few things, lightening up on some others and looking for a better balance.  i need some down time.

work is and has always been way too intense.  part of the lure of the photographic/deadline/hell-hole of my own making that i found myself in was an attempt to balance out the insanity of work with intensity of play.  and that actually worked for a couple of years, adding a whole lot of happiness to my life.  and then something went wrong.

work is still way too crazy.  i am working hard at letting go of some of that 'crazy' because i recognize that lots of that is self inflicted too, and there is a way to work smarter, not harder. (and truthfully, if my little plan for that doesn't work, at least i will get the '...not harder' part of the deal. which at this point, is good enough for me).

the play, on the other hand, is still a bit of mystery. not sure yet how to recognize 'too much.'
so i start with a post here, a finished assignment there and hope it feeds me that right amount of inspiration to bring me back from the edge of crazy.

awwww little blog, and little world of shooting-every-minute-all-for-the-fun-of-it, how i have missed you!! 

yes, august just might be the month :)

a risk and a change. . .

today, the challenge for the beyond layers class, was to think about times when you took a risk, stepped out of your comfort zone and found something BIG.

the risk that truly changed my life is going to seem little to most people. but it was BIG to marilyn (my twin sister) and i. 

when we turned 43 yrs old, we decided that it was finally time to take that road trip to florida that we had planned to do the summer after graduation. our goal was to have adventures from start to finish, driving as far south as we could and doing whatever felt right.

and that is exactly what we did.  from almost getting arrested at bruce springsteen's house on day 1, to being in washington dc when the monica lewinsky story broke, to seeing the sunrise and sunset up and down the east coast - it was filled with moments that make memories that are treasured for a lifetime. it was 10 days of heaven and it was our introduction to a place that for us is heaven on earth...key west.

sunset at mallory square

by the time we got to the florida keys, we were as relaxed as we'd ever been.  there were no cell phones back then.  there were no husbands telling us what to do, no jobs pulling at us, no schedules to keep, no pets to feed or children to care for.  it was three and a half days down to marathon and we were so freaking happy in that car every mile of the way there.  on the other hand, getting out of the car and going into a bar for a drink at our hotel was very stressful.  we felt totally out of place.  many times, we would abort.  most times, even.  we talked about it, wondered what our problem was - shyness? insecurity? awkward? all of the above?  after a lot of discussion, we figured out that the problem really was fear.  fear of feeling or looking like a socially inept person.  and the fear fed the reality.  we probably actually were awkward, insecure, shy and socially inept.  yikes.

so we made a pact somewhere in northern florida that we were going to address the issue, one bar at a time.  restaurants didn't throw us off, it was the nightlife atmosphere where we felt so vulnerable - it was all about social interaction with strangers in a meet/greet setting.   (the meet/eat settings were fine)  our first few attempts were not successful but we were learning little tips/tricks as we went - for example, don't take the first empty table so you can sit down and scan the room from a safe spot.  instead, stand there, look around for the spot that will give you the best view of the place and then sit.  sounds silly but it was big when it came to increasing our comfort level. 

sidewalk at the green parrot

by the time we got to key west, we had some success under our belt.  but key west is a town with a nightlife atmosphere 24 hrs a day.  we didn't know this.  our hotel was in marathon and we drove to key west for the first time on martin luther king day.  we didn't know much about the town at all, and didn't have a clue where to go.  we found a parking space and needed to get our bearings, so we decided to get a drink and re-group. 

there on the corner was a sleepy little island bar called the Green Parrot.  it had no windows, and was open to the beautiful january sunshine and looked perfect.  we braced ourselves for the onslaught of nervousness, picked 2 seats at the bar and ordered our drinks.  it was the start of a long love affair with a local hangout that is the epitomy of acceptance.

we have been there countless times since that day, and learned a whole lot of life lessons sitting on the stools with a beer and time to ponder.  the beauty of the Green Parrot is that anything goes.  the locals hang out with the tourists.  the tourists run the gamut from cool to gawky.  the locals are fascinating.  the servers are efficient.   the location is key west where the weather in january is awesome compared to the northeast.   the music is outstanding.  and they welcome everyone.  and they have a rule - no sniveling :)

our goal has to been to write a book together, titled The Lessons of the Green Parrot.  we've gone there to do research on more than one occasion and have gotten as far as listing out the lessons.  each lesson has multiple stories, lived by us and learned by us, that have changed our lives for the better.  we face things with not only some tips/tricks (which does help) but also with much more self confidence.  and we thank the Green Parrot - in person and in spirit -  for accepting us for what we were - 43 yr old wusses, searching for both acceptance and adventure.   we've come a long way on our search, and we believe it all came together on a martin luther king day, back in 1998. 

The Lessons of the Green Parrot
learned and lived by marilyn and marie :)

1 - Don't wait for perfect - embrace good enough
2 - Don't be afraid to look like a fool - nobody cares
3 - Don't miss the journey - seize each moment
4 - Don't jump to conclusions - it's not always what it seems
5 - Don't make it so complicated - relax, enjoy...
6 - Don't sit when you can dance - get up and get out there!
7 - Don't give it up for a party - enjoy today, but remember tomorrow
8 - Don't see with someone else's eyes - look for your own approval
9 - Don't live a false life - love what you do, do what you love. if other's can, you can too.
10 -Don't miss the lessons - always grow, always stretch. and no sniveling :)

going home...

today, i pack up and head back to Connecticut.

my vacation is over, got to leave the cape and go back to work...

i miss my cats, i miss my house, i miss the woods and the river at home.

but i don't want to leave here.

here, i feel a little bit more calm, more peaceful. 

once i get back, work feels different.   i work from the cape and its definitely work, not play.  but it feels a bit less intense, a bit less frenetic.  when i get home, work takes over and i squeeze life in, around it.  when i'm here at the cape, life comes first, and i also work. 

there is a lesson for me in those two sentences. 

the location i work from is not the deal, my attitude is what makes the difference.

i think that lesson could change my life if i can remember it when i get back home.

double the fun

so this week has been intense...
it started out with the challenge to take self portraits on the beyond layers course with kim klassen.
 

my twin sister and i have done

the hold-the-camera out in front of ourselves

for the past few years

 and have loved having the pics to look back at.

so i thought this would not only be fun,

but a great project to do for a year. 

i called my sister, marilyn, and we decided that

we'd each do it individually for 365 days. 

it was a big commitment for each of us but it felt right.

we're 57 yrs old and looking for what we're calling 'fulfillment over fifty' and this seemed like a great starting point.  who are we, at 57? 

day 1 was a good time - we both liked it alot. we sent images back and forth through the beauty of cell phones.  fun stuff :)

day 2 was still ok -

the project seemed do-able, the pics were still fun...

i created a new blog to keep track of it all. 

and i was looking forward to day 3...

day 3 was a horror story. 
we both started to realize we have gotten older. 
good grief, we may even have gotten freaking old. 
and that f-word is the cleaned-up freaking (again, cleaned-up...) version. 
no amount of blurriness, or over-exposure was going to hide the fact, from myself anyway...
day 3 hurt.
 neither one of us was ready to give up the project but i can say that body parts other than my freaking (yes, again...) face were going to be center stage all year long.

day 4, i was wiser. 

feet do not look old,

when they are covered with shoes...

and i actually love this picture. 

day 5 was Friday. 

Friday the 13th.  i had concerns. 

my self-esteem was shaky.   i didn't want to feel like i looked old anymore. 

on the other hand, i can't take pictures of my feet all year.  and i really wanted the year to be a learning experience, showing me to myself, finding out who i have grown into.  

i had taken more than 100 pictures of myself this week. 

some i liked, some i hated but i did learn stuff. 

i learned like to walk.  and i need to get a haircut. 

and i can hide the belly fat at this time of year.

all good things to know... 

so i went for another walk at the river to find a good picture for how i was feeling... 

i wandered the roads and pathways, looking for something that would speak to me. nothing seemed meaningful. as i turned around to walk back to the car, thinking i would go home and take a picture of my hands with a beer in each one of them, i walked into the fading light of the day.  and all of a sudden, it seemed perfect.  utterly perfect. 

me, from behind, walking into the light...  

it felt like a picture of what i want to get out of this year. 

i loved it. 

i went home and drank the two beers, in honor of my breakthrough :)

and then, one last picture, to finish the week of painful growth...

 enhanced with kim's textures and brush.

thank you for the week of wisdom. i think :)

coming undone...

today i am taking back my life. 

i have been running straight out, no let-up, for the last few weeks.   actually its been a few months. i don't like living this way - i wake up in the morning (and in the middle of the night), wondering what i didn't get done. and wondering how to get it all done, how to catch up, so i can stop feeling this way...
i am exhausted.

work has been frenzied and that always turns me into a workaholic.  and the work is never done so the feeling of accomplishment is only a dream.  it hangs in front of me, keeping me striving, but i never reach the finish line.  as soon as i close in on it, it moves.

so at some point on friday afternoon, when i felt myself trying to drive fast enough to go back in time and was oh-so-close to tears, i reached a BIG low point. despite all my efforts, all my multi-tasking, i was still not catching up.  earlier, i had taken a conference call on speaker phone on mute while taking a shower in an effort to get it all done.  i'd worked almost 60 hrs and still missed a deadline.  there just was not enough time in the day to get it all done.

and that was exactly what i needed to remember.  there simply was not enough time to do it all.
i hadn't failed to figure out how to get it all done; there was too much to do.  it didn't mean i had to take a shower while listening to 11 people on the phone.  it meant i need to cut down on my To-Do list. it meant i needed to make different choices.  i needed to run my life instead of letting my life run me...

and i needed to accept that it wasn't all going to get done. 

this morning at 5am i woke up.  i felt the whirlwind starting in my head... ok, what's the list of things to do this morning blahblahblah. 
and all of a sudden, i sat straight up and said bullshit. 
this is not the way TODAY is going to go.
i am going to relax.  i am going to enjoy myself.
the feeling of control likely won't last but for this moment, i am drawing a line right here this saturday morning. 

and for this moment, i am choosing to let go of the endless list and just stop. 
what isn't done is going to stay that way.

today, i am coming U N D O N E ...  :)

a light heart...

when i brought my plants inside last fall, hoping to keep them alive over the winter,

i knocked a piece off my begonia...

i stuck it in a bottle of water and forgot about it.

last week, just in time for Valentine's Day,

the broken piece had a tiny fragile bloom...

enhanced with kim klassen's 'awaken' texture

'you are magical'

spring in new england is a wonderful thing...

it may have been a long time coming this year,
but as always, it was worth the wait.

today i want to celebrate LIFE.

with all the news of death - tornado damage, japan, bin laden -

i need to focus on life.

i walked for hours over the past few days,

wandering and pondering,

through the paths of fanny stebbins wildlife sanctuary. 

as my vacation came to an end, i found that the beauty of life renewing itself was exactly what i needed. 

 

 

looking forward, watching good things come to life gives me hope...

 

as i was wandering back to my car, i came across this last bit to ponder...

there in the path was a message -

from somewhere to someone,

a message written in the dirt...

so in the hopes that i can tap into this magic,

i pray for a future

where peace and life

is a cause for celebration world wide.