cape cod light

soft air...

light and color...

peace at the end of the day...

lazy days of summer...

 

the last summer i had off was in the seventies,

probably 1972.

 

so this first summer of retirement,

i want to soak it all in, every single bit of it.

 i hope to read a lot,

garden if i feel like it,

ride my red bike,

see some sunrises and sunsets,

eat ice cream twists,

spend time with family and friends,

putz until i don't feel like putzing anymore,

walk in the rain,

paint some pictures,

shoot some pictures,

and stop doing any or all of the above when i want to stop...

 

 

 

i want this summer to teach me the lesson of relaxation.

 

i want to let go of the pile of projects

and let go of the to-do list on the chalkboard in the kitchen.

 

i am thinking i might even play with recipes (what???),

feed myself a meal i made

and drink some wine instead of beer :)

or maybe no. 

not committing just yet...

:)

 

 

 i am going to revisit some old memories

and make some new ones...

i will think back to the summers when i knew how to relax

and follow the lead of the child that i was...

 

 

i want to embrace every bit of it - the rain, the heat,

the flowers, the friends, the travel, the food,

the fun :)

 

 

and at the end of it all,

i want to remember the little moments.

i want the gift of noticing

the little things

and reveling in the ordinary lazy days of summer

to grow into 

the big things...

 

soft peace in my soul

and

big love in my heart

 

 

 



explore...

my word for 2013 is explore...

i am excited about it, it already has made an impact and it feels like it could make me stretch in a lot of different ways this year...

on friday morning, i went to the sunrise at the river like i do as often as i can.
i feel like i have photographed every bit of this little road along the river,
yet it calls me back day after day, season after season...

friday, i purposely 'explored' different angles,
and played with my macro lens.
i drove through the field instead of staying on the road, exploring a different section of the floodplain.  all in all, a great friday morning,
thanks to my new word...
 

 

 

 

then, on saturday morning, when i was driving to the river,

again the word 'explore' made its impact. 

i turned around and drove AWAY from the river,

and explored somewhere different for the sunrise.

i used to go to different places all the time but so fell in love with my secret river road that i've spent easily six months going there almost every day. 

by exploring some place different, two days in a row, i found beauty i was missing.

 thank you, my new word-for-2013,

you already are more than i could have hoped for...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

some images were enhanced with snapseed, some with kim klassen's textures....

where's the line

since 1979, i have written to myself to sort things out.

i had left my ex-husband and needed to figure out who i was, without his influence.

the theme of those years was clearly trying to find my own voice. 

i longed to be confident enough to live, as i called it, inside out. 

to let me be me, and to let go of approval seeking thinking.

did i ever get there? who knows.  but i don't care anymore so i think that's a good sign.  i am going to consider that as progress :)

the writings then seemed to turn to how to find a balance

between work and play, duty and adventure.  these were fun years. 

it wasn't an internal struggle for a voice, it was more of a constant quest for LIFE. 

the overwhelming need to appreciate the moment is evident in all the journals from my forties, into the fifties. i walked in the rain, rolled in the hay and played in the snow.  oh what a time it was.

and then, life moved on. my mother got sick and died.

all of the appreciation of the moment turned to fear of loss, longing for yesterday.

and bigger than all of that, how to go forward and

prepare for the end of my own life.  what would be my legacy? 

how would i live in my older years? would i be able to provide for myself? where would i want to be, who would i want to have been? 

 

these were feelings, not thoughts nor words. i didn't write in my journals.

i didn't read self help books. i didn't garden.

i worked. actually, i over-worked. 

and i took pictures. day and night.

i read blogs, i looked thru magazines, i watched hgtv.

i searched constantly.

for something, anything, everything.

for some reason, that gave me breathing room.  

 

as i think about it now, i think i was running.

running away, running towards...don't know.  

but subconsciously, i realized i needed to do, not think. 

however i'm not sure that i liked all the doing.

work pissed me off, at a level that it hadn't ever reached before. and that's because it felt like work was standing between me and LIFE.

 i wanted time to live my life. i wanted to own all of my minutes,

every freaking one of them. 

i knew at a deeper level that time was marching on.

giving away time - minutes, hours, days, weeks, years -

to work/lifetouch didn't sit well. they stole my minutes. so i stole minutes back.

i took pictures as i drove to work.

i took pictures at work.

i bought prop kits instead of setting goals,

i studied photography instead of sales results.  it worked for a while.

but now, today?  i am thinking no.

 

 

so now my writing, or my thoughts or my feelings, all end up at where's the line.

now i find i need to write about figuring out when is enough truly enough.

enough money in the bank to retire. enough years worked to retire.

enough trust in the future to say enough, and retire.

apparently, the key word is retire.

 

we bought our house at cape cod so we could live out our days there.

we thought it through - enfield had no draw for us except our jobs.

albany was home but it'd been 30 yrs since we lived there and

we weren't sure that it would be a joyful goal to go there. 

 it had a feeling of 'longing for yesterday' instead of living for today.

 

so cape cod was a great choice. it had a lifetime of history which gave it a feeling of 'home' along with a new twist - owning a house.  it did, however, add to list of to-dos. we DO more, instead of relax more. and this adds to the feeling of where is the line. where the hell are my minutes. i need more minutes.

 

i am an artist. i have been an artist since i was a kid.

i see things visually - from gardening, to photography, to hgtv.

i don't want to be a people manager. i don't want to be a sales manager.

i want to be - i AM - an artist.

 

so here i sit on a sunday morning, in late october.

ahead of me lies the crazy season at work when a 24 hr work day does not get the job done. and word is, this might be the busiest season ever.  yay.  just what i need.

but truth is, maybe this IS exactly what i need. 

a year that defines where that elusive line is.

where the commitment to work/lifetouch

clearly becomes more than i am willing to give.

the tug-of-war for my minutes and the confusion on where to draw the line is already taking a toll. i think that there's a break-through on the horizon.

and that makes me smile

 

so, come on santa claus, do your thing.

bring it on.

i think you might have a gift for me this Christmas.

and i just may be ready for it :)

 

 

a note to self...

dear self,

you are going down that old familiar late-october path

to peak season hell in the portrait studio. 

you have gritted your teeth into pieces, literally. 

your head feels like it is swollen from too much activity. 

your back is already crippling you and its only mid-october.

your driving foot is in spasms and your stomach is joining your driving foot

in the dance of the stressed-out district manager body parts.

you are closing in on 60,

and your parts should not be put through this kind of pressure. 

they won't make it thru to the other side

without telltale signs of what you're doing to yourself. 

but because you're older,
you know more than you used to.
and that is adding even more stress.
this is the 33rd peak season
you've gone thru and you do know
what it takes to make it better. 
THAT is what is stressing you out.
let it go. 
look for sweet smiles, look for good stuff and look away from the stuff
that amps up the impulse to
fix-fix-fix before it's too late. 
there is no fix that can hold up totally, there is no fix that will make it all okay for everybody. 
let them learn their lessons, let them apply lessons from other years, & let the f#@k go.  got it?

now, today, this week...what will make that difference? 

more wandering, less conference calls? 

more conference calls, less wandering? 

 i am thinking less wandering and less conference calls. 

its time for a work-life balance readjustment. 

and today is the day. 

sweet sisters of stone...

i am in love with statues that i find in cemeteries...

 

 

 

 

i see vulnerability and strength...sweetness and sadness...

every time i find one,

i wonder about who they represent,

and about the  family

who's loss is soothed by these beautiful statues...

 

To the sweet sisters of stone -

may you always stand strong,

and may you forever rest in peace...

 

each image has been enhanced with kim klassen's textures



summer's end...

where did the summer go?

 

i am sad,

as always,

to see it end. 

 

but i am going after fall

with a sense of urgency

to enjoy and appreciate every minute of it.

 

you might want to stay out of the way of all that :)

picture info - Truro, Cape Cod
                      enhanced with Kim Klassen's textures - jay, canvasback, ToBe, and her brush

searching...

i am on vacation, trying to use my vacation hours before they expire in mid-june. 

as i got ready to check out for a week, the activity level increased to a point where i was truly overwhelmed.  when i got to that elusive moment when i was actually ON VACATION, i closed down - i went from total overload all the way to a complete slow down.

i spent a great weekend with family, wandered around cape cod with joey, eating our way from hyannis to provincetown.  everywhere, it was evident that summer has arrived on the cape.

it was wonderful.

but joey went back to work yesterday and i was feeling pretty lonely out here, just me and the cat. 

on the other hand, i need some alone time. 

my biggest goal for this vacation was to figure out how to go forward

with less frenzy, more peace. 

so i took a ride to the bay beaches at sunset,

hoping for some pictures that could give me a direction for my future. 

it was beautiful, quiet, peaceful...

after i got home to the cottage, i went online to see what the

 'beyond layers' challenge was for the week. 

it is QUOTE week - each day has a word prompt

and the goal is to find a quote for the word

and, in whatever way you want, absorb the quote for the day.

i was late but not too late to make that happen -

the word was peace and

i believe that for a little while, if not forever,

i found it :)

a great quote from martin luther king and 'golden' texture from kim klassen

a risk and a change. . .

today, the challenge for the beyond layers class, was to think about times when you took a risk, stepped out of your comfort zone and found something BIG.

the risk that truly changed my life is going to seem little to most people. but it was BIG to marilyn (my twin sister) and i. 

when we turned 43 yrs old, we decided that it was finally time to take that road trip to florida that we had planned to do the summer after graduation. our goal was to have adventures from start to finish, driving as far south as we could and doing whatever felt right.

and that is exactly what we did.  from almost getting arrested at bruce springsteen's house on day 1, to being in washington dc when the monica lewinsky story broke, to seeing the sunrise and sunset up and down the east coast - it was filled with moments that make memories that are treasured for a lifetime. it was 10 days of heaven and it was our introduction to a place that for us is heaven on earth...key west.

sunset at mallory square

by the time we got to the florida keys, we were as relaxed as we'd ever been.  there were no cell phones back then.  there were no husbands telling us what to do, no jobs pulling at us, no schedules to keep, no pets to feed or children to care for.  it was three and a half days down to marathon and we were so freaking happy in that car every mile of the way there.  on the other hand, getting out of the car and going into a bar for a drink at our hotel was very stressful.  we felt totally out of place.  many times, we would abort.  most times, even.  we talked about it, wondered what our problem was - shyness? insecurity? awkward? all of the above?  after a lot of discussion, we figured out that the problem really was fear.  fear of feeling or looking like a socially inept person.  and the fear fed the reality.  we probably actually were awkward, insecure, shy and socially inept.  yikes.

so we made a pact somewhere in northern florida that we were going to address the issue, one bar at a time.  restaurants didn't throw us off, it was the nightlife atmosphere where we felt so vulnerable - it was all about social interaction with strangers in a meet/greet setting.   (the meet/eat settings were fine)  our first few attempts were not successful but we were learning little tips/tricks as we went - for example, don't take the first empty table so you can sit down and scan the room from a safe spot.  instead, stand there, look around for the spot that will give you the best view of the place and then sit.  sounds silly but it was big when it came to increasing our comfort level. 

sidewalk at the green parrot

by the time we got to key west, we had some success under our belt.  but key west is a town with a nightlife atmosphere 24 hrs a day.  we didn't know this.  our hotel was in marathon and we drove to key west for the first time on martin luther king day.  we didn't know much about the town at all, and didn't have a clue where to go.  we found a parking space and needed to get our bearings, so we decided to get a drink and re-group. 

there on the corner was a sleepy little island bar called the Green Parrot.  it had no windows, and was open to the beautiful january sunshine and looked perfect.  we braced ourselves for the onslaught of nervousness, picked 2 seats at the bar and ordered our drinks.  it was the start of a long love affair with a local hangout that is the epitomy of acceptance.

we have been there countless times since that day, and learned a whole lot of life lessons sitting on the stools with a beer and time to ponder.  the beauty of the Green Parrot is that anything goes.  the locals hang out with the tourists.  the tourists run the gamut from cool to gawky.  the locals are fascinating.  the servers are efficient.   the location is key west where the weather in january is awesome compared to the northeast.   the music is outstanding.  and they welcome everyone.  and they have a rule - no sniveling :)

our goal has to been to write a book together, titled The Lessons of the Green Parrot.  we've gone there to do research on more than one occasion and have gotten as far as listing out the lessons.  each lesson has multiple stories, lived by us and learned by us, that have changed our lives for the better.  we face things with not only some tips/tricks (which does help) but also with much more self confidence.  and we thank the Green Parrot - in person and in spirit -  for accepting us for what we were - 43 yr old wusses, searching for both acceptance and adventure.   we've come a long way on our search, and we believe it all came together on a martin luther king day, back in 1998. 

The Lessons of the Green Parrot
learned and lived by marilyn and marie :)

1 - Don't wait for perfect - embrace good enough
2 - Don't be afraid to look like a fool - nobody cares
3 - Don't miss the journey - seize each moment
4 - Don't jump to conclusions - it's not always what it seems
5 - Don't make it so complicated - relax, enjoy...
6 - Don't sit when you can dance - get up and get out there!
7 - Don't give it up for a party - enjoy today, but remember tomorrow
8 - Don't see with someone else's eyes - look for your own approval
9 - Don't live a false life - love what you do, do what you love. if other's can, you can too.
10 -Don't miss the lessons - always grow, always stretch. and no sniveling :)

going home...

today, i pack up and head back to Connecticut.

my vacation is over, got to leave the cape and go back to work...

i miss my cats, i miss my house, i miss the woods and the river at home.

but i don't want to leave here.

here, i feel a little bit more calm, more peaceful. 

once i get back, work feels different.   i work from the cape and its definitely work, not play.  but it feels a bit less intense, a bit less frenetic.  when i get home, work takes over and i squeeze life in, around it.  when i'm here at the cape, life comes first, and i also work. 

there is a lesson for me in those two sentences. 

the location i work from is not the deal, my attitude is what makes the difference.

i think that lesson could change my life if i can remember it when i get back home.

time out...

i decided tonight that i needed some time for me.
i needed a time out from work.

so i went on my favorite blogs,
looking for inspiration...
looking for peace of mind...
looking for relief of some sort...
looking for me.

i found everything i was looking for,
and then some.
thank you blogger friends-who-are-strangers.

you were just what i needed :)

'you are magical'

spring in new england is a wonderful thing...

it may have been a long time coming this year,
but as always, it was worth the wait.

today i want to celebrate LIFE.

with all the news of death - tornado damage, japan, bin laden -

i need to focus on life.

i walked for hours over the past few days,

wandering and pondering,

through the paths of fanny stebbins wildlife sanctuary. 

as my vacation came to an end, i found that the beauty of life renewing itself was exactly what i needed. 

 

 

looking forward, watching good things come to life gives me hope...

 

as i was wandering back to my car, i came across this last bit to ponder...

there in the path was a message -

from somewhere to someone,

a message written in the dirt...

so in the hopes that i can tap into this magic,

i pray for a future

where peace and life

is a cause for celebration world wide.

beginnings...

it was a good morning :)
looking out the window for outside guy, i saw Hope. and God. and a new Beginning...
a new day starts, the sun peeks through the trees, shining on the new buds forming on the magnolia tree. spring is here.

Life is good.

the road back...

around a year ago, i changed my life. i discovered what blogging was, created this blog to feed my spirit and ultimately found the road back to me.

what a year it’s been...

i took pictures every day. i reconnected with old friends and made a lot of new friends. i put work on the back burner. turns out, i also put the blog on the back burner. and even though there were some tough moments, this will go down as one of my favorite years.

i feel like i got back my art. like all that lay dormant came back alive, my own personal springtime. its time now to start writing again. i want to know my soul like i once did. how did i end up living on the surface for so long? what's in there now that i'm 56 years old? what did i learn?

now i look to the road ahead...

peace be with you...

today my word of the day to photograph was peace.
and peace is hard to find on a monday. after a rough morning, i took a short afternoon break, and wandered around outside and inside, looking for any peace i could find. found nothing. so i went back in the house feeling out of sorts and stressed. and as i walked in the door, there it was - a little bit of peace waiting for me, right here at home. why did i look elsewhere?