today i am taking back my life.
i have been running straight out, no let-up, for the last few weeks. actually its been a few months. i don't like living this way - i wake up in the morning (and in the middle of the night), wondering what i didn't get done. and wondering how to get it all done, how to catch up, so i can stop feeling this way...
i am exhausted.
work has been frenzied and that always turns me into a workaholic. and the work is never done so the feeling of accomplishment is only a dream. it hangs in front of me, keeping me striving, but i never reach the finish line. as soon as i close in on it, it moves.
so at some point on friday afternoon, when i felt myself trying to drive fast enough to go back in time and was oh-so-close to tears, i reached a BIG low point. despite all my efforts, all my multi-tasking, i was still not catching up. earlier, i had taken a conference call on speaker phone on mute while taking a shower in an effort to get it all done. i'd worked almost 60 hrs and still missed a deadline. there just was not enough time in the day to get it all done.
and that was exactly what i needed to remember. there simply was not enough time to do it all.
i hadn't failed to figure out how to get it all done; there was too much to do. it didn't mean i had to take a shower while listening to 11 people on the phone. it meant i need to cut down on my To-Do list. it meant i needed to make different choices. i needed to run my life instead of letting my life run me...
and i needed to accept that it wasn't all going to get done.
this morning at 5am i woke up. i felt the whirlwind starting in my head... ok, what's the list of things to do this morning blahblahblah.
and all of a sudden, i sat straight up and said bullshit.
this is not the way TODAY is going to go.
i am going to relax. i am going to enjoy myself.
the feeling of control likely won't last but for this moment, i am drawing a line right here this saturday morning.
and for this moment, i am choosing to let go of the endless list and just stop.
what isn't done is going to stay that way.
today, i am coming U N D O N E ... :)