changes

as the old year turns to history and the new year looms, i decided it is time to make some changes.  starting first with my blog :)

 

i took my week between Christmas and New Year's and learned all kinds of stuff from an online class from kim klassen and xanthe berkely.  it was so interesting that i think i spent most of the week with my computer in my face.  well, not totally true - i also took time for picture rides whenever i felt like it.  no guilt, no deadline to get back to work - i wandered and pondered all week long.

 

i hate to see it end.

 

this collage has a few of the macro pics i took with my new lens that joey gave me for my bithday.  this is from big huge labs and was a blast to put together. i will get better at it as i learn but it sure was a good time :)

 

happy new year!

where's the line

since 1979, i have written to myself to sort things out.

i had left my ex-husband and needed to figure out who i was, without his influence.

the theme of those years was clearly trying to find my own voice. 

i longed to be confident enough to live, as i called it, inside out. 

to let me be me, and to let go of approval seeking thinking.

did i ever get there? who knows.  but i don't care anymore so i think that's a good sign.  i am going to consider that as progress :)

the writings then seemed to turn to how to find a balance

between work and play, duty and adventure.  these were fun years. 

it wasn't an internal struggle for a voice, it was more of a constant quest for LIFE. 

the overwhelming need to appreciate the moment is evident in all the journals from my forties, into the fifties. i walked in the rain, rolled in the hay and played in the snow.  oh what a time it was.

and then, life moved on. my mother got sick and died.

all of the appreciation of the moment turned to fear of loss, longing for yesterday.

and bigger than all of that, how to go forward and

prepare for the end of my own life.  what would be my legacy? 

how would i live in my older years? would i be able to provide for myself? where would i want to be, who would i want to have been? 

 

these were feelings, not thoughts nor words. i didn't write in my journals.

i didn't read self help books. i didn't garden.

i worked. actually, i over-worked. 

and i took pictures. day and night.

i read blogs, i looked thru magazines, i watched hgtv.

i searched constantly.

for something, anything, everything.

for some reason, that gave me breathing room.  

 

as i think about it now, i think i was running.

running away, running towards...don't know.  

but subconsciously, i realized i needed to do, not think. 

however i'm not sure that i liked all the doing.

work pissed me off, at a level that it hadn't ever reached before. and that's because it felt like work was standing between me and LIFE.

 i wanted time to live my life. i wanted to own all of my minutes,

every freaking one of them. 

i knew at a deeper level that time was marching on.

giving away time - minutes, hours, days, weeks, years -

to work/lifetouch didn't sit well. they stole my minutes. so i stole minutes back.

i took pictures as i drove to work.

i took pictures at work.

i bought prop kits instead of setting goals,

i studied photography instead of sales results.  it worked for a while.

but now, today?  i am thinking no.

 

 

so now my writing, or my thoughts or my feelings, all end up at where's the line.

now i find i need to write about figuring out when is enough truly enough.

enough money in the bank to retire. enough years worked to retire.

enough trust in the future to say enough, and retire.

apparently, the key word is retire.

 

we bought our house at cape cod so we could live out our days there.

we thought it through - enfield had no draw for us except our jobs.

albany was home but it'd been 30 yrs since we lived there and

we weren't sure that it would be a joyful goal to go there. 

 it had a feeling of 'longing for yesterday' instead of living for today.

 

so cape cod was a great choice. it had a lifetime of history which gave it a feeling of 'home' along with a new twist - owning a house.  it did, however, add to list of to-dos. we DO more, instead of relax more. and this adds to the feeling of where is the line. where the hell are my minutes. i need more minutes.

 

i am an artist. i have been an artist since i was a kid.

i see things visually - from gardening, to photography, to hgtv.

i don't want to be a people manager. i don't want to be a sales manager.

i want to be - i AM - an artist.

 

so here i sit on a sunday morning, in late october.

ahead of me lies the crazy season at work when a 24 hr work day does not get the job done. and word is, this might be the busiest season ever.  yay.  just what i need.

but truth is, maybe this IS exactly what i need. 

a year that defines where that elusive line is.

where the commitment to work/lifetouch

clearly becomes more than i am willing to give.

the tug-of-war for my minutes and the confusion on where to draw the line is already taking a toll. i think that there's a break-through on the horizon.

and that makes me smile

 

so, come on santa claus, do your thing.

bring it on.

i think you might have a gift for me this Christmas.

and i just may be ready for it :)

 

 

hellooo...

i am hoping august is the month.

i've been on hold, waiting and wondering.  testing the waters occasionally but each little step forward proved to be a no-go.

the deal is that i am trying to emerge from an overdose... a photographic/deadline/hell-hole of my own making.

it appears that the photography chairman's award contest at work, combined with photo hunt word of the day on facebook, and texture tuesday, and beyond layers, and my own projects such as self portrait every day, put me over the acceptable levels of photography projects with due dates and/or deadlines.

i don't know exactly what happened, or even when it happened, but i lost the light for a bit over these past few months. 

i haven't figured out exactly how to go forward.  i miss posting stuff. i keep shooting and trying new stuff, with cameras and software etc.  but i am not sure i can trust myself to know my own boundaries yet.  i resist posting - on blogs, facebook, flickr, instagram - because i tend towards the all-or-nothing kind of mindset.

so i am letting go of a few things, lightening up on some others and looking for a better balance.  i need some down time.

work is and has always been way too intense.  part of the lure of the photographic/deadline/hell-hole of my own making that i found myself in was an attempt to balance out the insanity of work with intensity of play.  and that actually worked for a couple of years, adding a whole lot of happiness to my life.  and then something went wrong.

work is still way too crazy.  i am working hard at letting go of some of that 'crazy' because i recognize that lots of that is self inflicted too, and there is a way to work smarter, not harder. (and truthfully, if my little plan for that doesn't work, at least i will get the '...not harder' part of the deal. which at this point, is good enough for me).

the play, on the other hand, is still a bit of mystery. not sure yet how to recognize 'too much.'
so i start with a post here, a finished assignment there and hope it feeds me that right amount of inspiration to bring me back from the edge of crazy.

awwww little blog, and little world of shooting-every-minute-all-for-the-fun-of-it, how i have missed you!! 

yes, august just might be the month :)

a risk and a change. . .

today, the challenge for the beyond layers class, was to think about times when you took a risk, stepped out of your comfort zone and found something BIG.

the risk that truly changed my life is going to seem little to most people. but it was BIG to marilyn (my twin sister) and i. 

when we turned 43 yrs old, we decided that it was finally time to take that road trip to florida that we had planned to do the summer after graduation. our goal was to have adventures from start to finish, driving as far south as we could and doing whatever felt right.

and that is exactly what we did.  from almost getting arrested at bruce springsteen's house on day 1, to being in washington dc when the monica lewinsky story broke, to seeing the sunrise and sunset up and down the east coast - it was filled with moments that make memories that are treasured for a lifetime. it was 10 days of heaven and it was our introduction to a place that for us is heaven on earth...key west.

sunset at mallory square

by the time we got to the florida keys, we were as relaxed as we'd ever been.  there were no cell phones back then.  there were no husbands telling us what to do, no jobs pulling at us, no schedules to keep, no pets to feed or children to care for.  it was three and a half days down to marathon and we were so freaking happy in that car every mile of the way there.  on the other hand, getting out of the car and going into a bar for a drink at our hotel was very stressful.  we felt totally out of place.  many times, we would abort.  most times, even.  we talked about it, wondered what our problem was - shyness? insecurity? awkward? all of the above?  after a lot of discussion, we figured out that the problem really was fear.  fear of feeling or looking like a socially inept person.  and the fear fed the reality.  we probably actually were awkward, insecure, shy and socially inept.  yikes.

so we made a pact somewhere in northern florida that we were going to address the issue, one bar at a time.  restaurants didn't throw us off, it was the nightlife atmosphere where we felt so vulnerable - it was all about social interaction with strangers in a meet/greet setting.   (the meet/eat settings were fine)  our first few attempts were not successful but we were learning little tips/tricks as we went - for example, don't take the first empty table so you can sit down and scan the room from a safe spot.  instead, stand there, look around for the spot that will give you the best view of the place and then sit.  sounds silly but it was big when it came to increasing our comfort level. 

sidewalk at the green parrot

by the time we got to key west, we had some success under our belt.  but key west is a town with a nightlife atmosphere 24 hrs a day.  we didn't know this.  our hotel was in marathon and we drove to key west for the first time on martin luther king day.  we didn't know much about the town at all, and didn't have a clue where to go.  we found a parking space and needed to get our bearings, so we decided to get a drink and re-group. 

there on the corner was a sleepy little island bar called the Green Parrot.  it had no windows, and was open to the beautiful january sunshine and looked perfect.  we braced ourselves for the onslaught of nervousness, picked 2 seats at the bar and ordered our drinks.  it was the start of a long love affair with a local hangout that is the epitomy of acceptance.

we have been there countless times since that day, and learned a whole lot of life lessons sitting on the stools with a beer and time to ponder.  the beauty of the Green Parrot is that anything goes.  the locals hang out with the tourists.  the tourists run the gamut from cool to gawky.  the locals are fascinating.  the servers are efficient.   the location is key west where the weather in january is awesome compared to the northeast.   the music is outstanding.  and they welcome everyone.  and they have a rule - no sniveling :)

our goal has to been to write a book together, titled The Lessons of the Green Parrot.  we've gone there to do research on more than one occasion and have gotten as far as listing out the lessons.  each lesson has multiple stories, lived by us and learned by us, that have changed our lives for the better.  we face things with not only some tips/tricks (which does help) but also with much more self confidence.  and we thank the Green Parrot - in person and in spirit -  for accepting us for what we were - 43 yr old wusses, searching for both acceptance and adventure.   we've come a long way on our search, and we believe it all came together on a martin luther king day, back in 1998. 

The Lessons of the Green Parrot
learned and lived by marilyn and marie :)

1 - Don't wait for perfect - embrace good enough
2 - Don't be afraid to look like a fool - nobody cares
3 - Don't miss the journey - seize each moment
4 - Don't jump to conclusions - it's not always what it seems
5 - Don't make it so complicated - relax, enjoy...
6 - Don't sit when you can dance - get up and get out there!
7 - Don't give it up for a party - enjoy today, but remember tomorrow
8 - Don't see with someone else's eyes - look for your own approval
9 - Don't live a false life - love what you do, do what you love. if other's can, you can too.
10 -Don't miss the lessons - always grow, always stretch. and no sniveling :)

good books...

the challenge this week for 'beyond layers' class was to share a picture of a book that i'd recommend reading...

i have so many books i'd recommend - illusions by richard bach is probably my all-time favorite.  also 'women who run with the wolves'.  and most of dr wayne dyer books - he changed my life with erroneous zones.  'God on a Harley' was also fantastic - and a life changer, as was 'the artist way'.

but most recently, the books that have impacted me the most are joan anderson's.  i found the first one, like i find almost all the books i've read over the past 20 yrs - in an airport before getting on board a flight to somewhere.  it was titled "a year by the sea' and was based in harwich, ma on cape cod.  having grown up going to the cape, i identified with it in a big way.  i've read all her books and loved them all.  my favorite of hers is 'a weekend to change your life'.  loved it, and it make a big difference in my life. 

so i share the picture of her books...
i am currently at the cape and do not have many books here with me.  but i have all of hers here.  if you get the chance to read her books, i think it'd be worth your time...

double the fun

so this week has been intense...
it started out with the challenge to take self portraits on the beyond layers course with kim klassen.
 

my twin sister and i have done

the hold-the-camera out in front of ourselves

for the past few years

 and have loved having the pics to look back at.

so i thought this would not only be fun,

but a great project to do for a year. 

i called my sister, marilyn, and we decided that

we'd each do it individually for 365 days. 

it was a big commitment for each of us but it felt right.

we're 57 yrs old and looking for what we're calling 'fulfillment over fifty' and this seemed like a great starting point.  who are we, at 57? 

day 1 was a good time - we both liked it alot. we sent images back and forth through the beauty of cell phones.  fun stuff :)

day 2 was still ok -

the project seemed do-able, the pics were still fun...

i created a new blog to keep track of it all. 

and i was looking forward to day 3...

day 3 was a horror story. 
we both started to realize we have gotten older. 
good grief, we may even have gotten freaking old. 
and that f-word is the cleaned-up freaking (again, cleaned-up...) version. 
no amount of blurriness, or over-exposure was going to hide the fact, from myself anyway...
day 3 hurt.
 neither one of us was ready to give up the project but i can say that body parts other than my freaking (yes, again...) face were going to be center stage all year long.

day 4, i was wiser. 

feet do not look old,

when they are covered with shoes...

and i actually love this picture. 

day 5 was Friday. 

Friday the 13th.  i had concerns. 

my self-esteem was shaky.   i didn't want to feel like i looked old anymore. 

on the other hand, i can't take pictures of my feet all year.  and i really wanted the year to be a learning experience, showing me to myself, finding out who i have grown into.  

i had taken more than 100 pictures of myself this week. 

some i liked, some i hated but i did learn stuff. 

i learned like to walk.  and i need to get a haircut. 

and i can hide the belly fat at this time of year.

all good things to know... 

so i went for another walk at the river to find a good picture for how i was feeling... 

i wandered the roads and pathways, looking for something that would speak to me. nothing seemed meaningful. as i turned around to walk back to the car, thinking i would go home and take a picture of my hands with a beer in each one of them, i walked into the fading light of the day.  and all of a sudden, it seemed perfect.  utterly perfect. 

me, from behind, walking into the light...  

it felt like a picture of what i want to get out of this year. 

i loved it. 

i went home and drank the two beers, in honor of my breakthrough :)

and then, one last picture, to finish the week of painful growth...

 enhanced with kim's textures and brush.

thank you for the week of wisdom. i think :)

taking pictures...

in march 2010, i started a picture project with my sister where each day i picked a word for us to photograph that day. i thought we'd do it for a few weeks and then move on to something new.  i ended up photographing a word-of-the-day for a year. i posted the word on facebook in the morning, shot the pics throughout the day and posted the images on facebook at the end of the day.

it changed my life.

i've been a photographer since i was a teenager - that's about 40 years now. i started getting paid for it in my twenties, in retail portraiture and have done that for over thirty years. but i don't think i thought of myself as a 'photographer' until i did my photo hunt word of the day.

i always thought of myself as a visual person. but i saw the entire world with new eyes. every day. 

if i drove the same roads day after day,

i saw different things because there was a different word-of-the-day.

i grew as a photographer and it felt like i learned new things daily.

 

many facebook friends joined in, well over 100 people joined the photo hunt page.

we supported each other, kept ourselves going and had a ball.

then it ended.

i was lost for a while.

i think i wandered for a year, growing, but nowhere near as much as i had with the daily quest to take a good picture. in that wandering year, i followed different blogs and was fascinated by the amount of sharing that was happening online. it was a whole new world and i was addicted.

one blog leads to another and i spent hours following them all.

i was inspired!

but i wasn't shooting as much. i was bored with the same places, tired of photographing birds and squirrels, flowers and sunsets. i didn't know what to do to get back the joy that i'd found in the word-of-the-day.

finally, i signed on for kim klassen's 'beyond layers' online class. 

it has been a blessing.

i am learning so much about photoshop, which has been great fun.

but i'm also learning things photographically and that has been fantastic. 

and this week, the challenge involved a color of the day. 

omg, i felt like me again. 

 

go green :) on monday

tuesday's mellow yellow...

 pretty in pink on wednesday...

thursday is blue day :)

 

and coincidentally, the facebook photo hunt group came back to life this week too!

we had a word of the day again. and it was making me see things again. i was actually overwhelmed with it all, and didn't get to post all the assignments.

but i shot them :)

it was great to be inspired AND then to do something with the inspiration!

thank you, kim klassen and xanthe

and all the photo hunt friends! 

tuesday - window

wednesday - peace

 

thursday - spring

today's word is RED -

both the color of the day and the word of the day.

i am looking forward to a day of SEEING RED...

in a good way :)

 

coming undone...

today i am taking back my life. 

i have been running straight out, no let-up, for the last few weeks.   actually its been a few months. i don't like living this way - i wake up in the morning (and in the middle of the night), wondering what i didn't get done. and wondering how to get it all done, how to catch up, so i can stop feeling this way...
i am exhausted.

work has been frenzied and that always turns me into a workaholic.  and the work is never done so the feeling of accomplishment is only a dream.  it hangs in front of me, keeping me striving, but i never reach the finish line.  as soon as i close in on it, it moves.

so at some point on friday afternoon, when i felt myself trying to drive fast enough to go back in time and was oh-so-close to tears, i reached a BIG low point. despite all my efforts, all my multi-tasking, i was still not catching up.  earlier, i had taken a conference call on speaker phone on mute while taking a shower in an effort to get it all done.  i'd worked almost 60 hrs and still missed a deadline.  there just was not enough time in the day to get it all done.

and that was exactly what i needed to remember.  there simply was not enough time to do it all.
i hadn't failed to figure out how to get it all done; there was too much to do.  it didn't mean i had to take a shower while listening to 11 people on the phone.  it meant i need to cut down on my To-Do list. it meant i needed to make different choices.  i needed to run my life instead of letting my life run me...

and i needed to accept that it wasn't all going to get done. 

this morning at 5am i woke up.  i felt the whirlwind starting in my head... ok, what's the list of things to do this morning blahblahblah. 
and all of a sudden, i sat straight up and said bullshit. 
this is not the way TODAY is going to go.
i am going to relax.  i am going to enjoy myself.
the feeling of control likely won't last but for this moment, i am drawing a line right here this saturday morning. 

and for this moment, i am choosing to let go of the endless list and just stop. 
what isn't done is going to stay that way.

today, i am coming U N D O N E ...  :)

fragile beauty...

back in late October, we got clobbered with 14 inches of snow.

because the trees still had leaves, the weight of the snow was devastating...

four months later, there are still broken trees everywhere you look.

i'm worried that this very strange winter is going to take a second toll on the damaged trees -

they're looking like they think it's late march, not mid-february and they're starting to show buds...

the magnolia tree in our front yard took a major hit and lost multiple branches.

it doesn't have a beautiful shape anymore, it's lopsided and funky...

and yet,

the little tree makes my heart smile :)

there she is, showing us all what true beauty and strength looks like.

as she bravely puts forth her buds,
i can hear her say...
"i am stronger than you think"

she gives me

hope,

strength

and faith...

i love this little lady

enhanced with kim klassen's shine texture



six word memoir

this week's assignment in Beyond Layers class is to write your 6 word memoir. 

 i believe it's gonna take more than 6 words but the first thing that came to mind was...

the truth is,

i find i look for outside approval more than i should.

my whole life i have tried to curb the impulse to check with others,

my first instinct is to look to them for reassurance...

but as i get older,

 i am learning to measure my growth against me.

not others. 

so when i ultimately grow up,

i grow into ME...

my mother was my first measuring stick.  especially when it came to anything artistic or creative. 

she was my biggest cheerleader, to the point that no piece of artwork or craft item was complete until she oooh'd and aaah'd over it.  she nurtured creativity in a big way.

at work, i look to my boss for the same reassurance, and cheerleading. 

 i always have. 

and when that support is there, i flourish.  when its not, i flounder.

over the years, i came to realize it is a weakness.   i want to be more sure of myself.  

but more than that, i want to develop my own voice, my own vision. 

so i have put myself out there, with my best attempts, knowing the biggest stretch for me is in the reveal.  and the goal, for me, is to watch myself grow.

 i may be a small tree out there among the taller trees, but i am out there. 

 and i am growing :)

picture enhanced with kim klassen's textures - providence and not-too-shabby

six word memoir   www.smithmag.net/

desert dreams...

"the phoenix hope

can wing her way through the desert skies,

and still defying fortune's spite,

revive from ashes and rise..."

miguel de cervantes saavedra

phoenix arizona...

a place of beauty, of nature...

soft and harsh,

side by side...

arizona...

teacher of the cycles of life

the twists and turns along the way...

and the endless lessons to be learned...

obsessed...

for the past nine months, i have been trying to teach myself photoshop. this is not an easy thing to figure out on your own.  in an effort to learn stuff faster, i started poking around the internet. i followed blogs, read 'recipes'... and i experimented.  endlessly.

this week, it became an O B S E S S I O N.

being that i am on vacation, i wanted to go to cape cod but that didn't happen. i didn't read a book or take a walk, or go for a ride, or go shopping, or even watch HGTV.  nope.  didn't do much of anything, except experiment with photoshop.   i got up at 530am and went to bed at 11pm.  with my computer on my lap.

i am exhausted but i learned a lot.  and mostly from kim klassen.  her website and blog, along with the people that post there, have not only been a great resource for learning, but also a huge source of inspiration.  and because of how much i already learned there, i decided to take a photoshop class from kim klassen cafe.  a real class.  i already signed up, i paid and i committed.   i am scared (commit?? eeeek!) but more than that,  i am really excited!

now i have to figure out how to retain what i learn... not only on photoshop but on blogger, too.  i have to start over, re-learn, every time i use it.  i need a hard drive accessory thing for my brain, with a folder for how-to's...

meantime, i am posting some experiments... hopefully, i can remember some of how i created them :)