tequila sunset...

in my mind, retirement was always synonymous with freedom

once i didn't have to work, or worry about work, i would be free to do whatever i felt like doing.

and so far, that's been true.

however, now that i am almost 2 years into it, i have developed a problem with staying engaged and active and interested in all the possibilities. 

so, in an effort to keep my butt off the couch, i put my butt in the driver's seat 

and went for a sunset picture ride yesterday.

i was actually looking to return to the amazing magical feeling of last winter 

when the snowy owls kept me actively engaged for months on end.  

instead of snowy owls, i found an empty tequila bottle.

it was left on the barrier wall on the edge of the beach parking lot. 

at first, i was annoyed that someone left their litter behind.  

and then i realized it was a very cool looking bottle.

and that it might look good if i shot it where it was 

but from a low angle so the sunset was behind it. 

and it did. 

i was happy, it was a special moment

 and when i got home and looked at the image, i smiled

a pretty picture always makes me smile. 

this morning, however, as i looked at this image, i saw more than just a pretty picture.

i saw a way to look at this stage in my life.  

the sunset years

i can be annoyed at other people's impact on me and my environment.  

or i can see it as an opportunity to see things i may not have seen.  

this beautiful bottle, on the ledge, in the golden glow of sunset - i would never have seen this if not for someone else.  

i can sit at home, on my warm couch, with my husband (who begged me to stay home).  

or i can go see what i can see.  

to wander and ponder at will, no schedule, has been a lifelong quest of mine.  

to sit on my warm couch has not been a lifelong quest.  

i need to leave the comfort zone. 

now today this minute. 

wander then ponder.  but don't neglect the wander.

and then tequlia.

 the wild stuff.  

i need to cultivate some wild stuff.  

warm couches, cozy fires and comfort food are all wonderful and i am lucky to have that.  

but i need to cultivate some wildness to make the golden years a growing stage of life.  

i do not want to slow down or lay low.  

i want to expand and grow and glow like a tequila sunset.  

right down to the last drop.  

somewhere along the way...

 

the path isn't always clear these days...

I alternate between embracing a wandering spirit

and needing a map for the road ahead...

 

 

what is clear, however,

is that the change from working-to-retirement hasn't changed my need

to feel productive and impactful. 

so the habitual overworking that I blamed on my job

still haunts me in this after-life :)

come to find out, it wasn't lifetouch's fault.

it was me all along

 

 

kinda makes me wonder if the cats that show up on my deck,

no matter where I live,

are a result of my own behavior too...

Batman the catman, on the cape cod deck, is not the problem.

turns out, I am doing this stuff to myself...

 

 

so i got some learning to do.

i think i'm going to stop trying to fill the minutes with checkmarks

on some mental to-do list,

and instead, let go for a little while.

 

i will let go of the new habit of trying to do everything i missed out on

when i was working 70+ hrs a week for 30+ years.

 

i don't have to decorate the house for fall just because i can.

(even though that was good, good times)

i don't have to refinish every old piece of furniture,

or rake every leaf,

or suck up every dust bunny with my new little dustbuster.

i don't have to do every creativeLive class,

or shoot every word-of-the day,

or post new stuff on my photography pages.

unless i want to.

 

for the time being,

i am just going to wander aimlessly around my life

and enjoy the little things...

 

 

 

 

 

 

this sign says it all...

no need to know where i am...

no need to know where i am going...

 

 

 

 

life after work :)

i feel like i'm on an extended vacation, or playing hooky from work.

like i should be in a studio instead of driving to the river.  the guilt hits and then, i remember that its ok, i retired.  what a wonderful feeling :)

 

i wandered the neighborhood this week, and had a ball...

gardens are in bloom and i am seeing it all with new eyes, thanks to my macro lens.

i can then spend time playing with textures and software. 

again - no guilt. 

well, except for the dustbunnies in the corners, the cat hair on the rugs,

and the laundry i need to put away. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

even though i retired, and my hours are my own,

i've been working on my etsy shop, my facebook page and life feels really full.

in a good way :)

visit me there if you can, i would love it!

MGPhotography- click here for facebook

 

and here is the etsy shop...

MGPhotography - click here for etsy :)

 

thanks for your support!!

and sharing with Mona's Picturesque at:



where's the line

since 1979, i have written to myself to sort things out.

i had left my ex-husband and needed to figure out who i was, without his influence.

the theme of those years was clearly trying to find my own voice. 

i longed to be confident enough to live, as i called it, inside out. 

to let me be me, and to let go of approval seeking thinking.

did i ever get there? who knows.  but i don't care anymore so i think that's a good sign.  i am going to consider that as progress :)

the writings then seemed to turn to how to find a balance

between work and play, duty and adventure.  these were fun years. 

it wasn't an internal struggle for a voice, it was more of a constant quest for LIFE. 

the overwhelming need to appreciate the moment is evident in all the journals from my forties, into the fifties. i walked in the rain, rolled in the hay and played in the snow.  oh what a time it was.

and then, life moved on. my mother got sick and died.

all of the appreciation of the moment turned to fear of loss, longing for yesterday.

and bigger than all of that, how to go forward and

prepare for the end of my own life.  what would be my legacy? 

how would i live in my older years? would i be able to provide for myself? where would i want to be, who would i want to have been? 

 

these were feelings, not thoughts nor words. i didn't write in my journals.

i didn't read self help books. i didn't garden.

i worked. actually, i over-worked. 

and i took pictures. day and night.

i read blogs, i looked thru magazines, i watched hgtv.

i searched constantly.

for something, anything, everything.

for some reason, that gave me breathing room.  

 

as i think about it now, i think i was running.

running away, running towards...don't know.  

but subconsciously, i realized i needed to do, not think. 

however i'm not sure that i liked all the doing.

work pissed me off, at a level that it hadn't ever reached before. and that's because it felt like work was standing between me and LIFE.

 i wanted time to live my life. i wanted to own all of my minutes,

every freaking one of them. 

i knew at a deeper level that time was marching on.

giving away time - minutes, hours, days, weeks, years -

to work/lifetouch didn't sit well. they stole my minutes. so i stole minutes back.

i took pictures as i drove to work.

i took pictures at work.

i bought prop kits instead of setting goals,

i studied photography instead of sales results.  it worked for a while.

but now, today?  i am thinking no.

 

 

so now my writing, or my thoughts or my feelings, all end up at where's the line.

now i find i need to write about figuring out when is enough truly enough.

enough money in the bank to retire. enough years worked to retire.

enough trust in the future to say enough, and retire.

apparently, the key word is retire.

 

we bought our house at cape cod so we could live out our days there.

we thought it through - enfield had no draw for us except our jobs.

albany was home but it'd been 30 yrs since we lived there and

we weren't sure that it would be a joyful goal to go there. 

 it had a feeling of 'longing for yesterday' instead of living for today.

 

so cape cod was a great choice. it had a lifetime of history which gave it a feeling of 'home' along with a new twist - owning a house.  it did, however, add to list of to-dos. we DO more, instead of relax more. and this adds to the feeling of where is the line. where the hell are my minutes. i need more minutes.

 

i am an artist. i have been an artist since i was a kid.

i see things visually - from gardening, to photography, to hgtv.

i don't want to be a people manager. i don't want to be a sales manager.

i want to be - i AM - an artist.

 

so here i sit on a sunday morning, in late october.

ahead of me lies the crazy season at work when a 24 hr work day does not get the job done. and word is, this might be the busiest season ever.  yay.  just what i need.

but truth is, maybe this IS exactly what i need. 

a year that defines where that elusive line is.

where the commitment to work/lifetouch

clearly becomes more than i am willing to give.

the tug-of-war for my minutes and the confusion on where to draw the line is already taking a toll. i think that there's a break-through on the horizon.

and that makes me smile

 

so, come on santa claus, do your thing.

bring it on.

i think you might have a gift for me this Christmas.

and i just may be ready for it :)

 

 

a risk and a change. . .

today, the challenge for the beyond layers class, was to think about times when you took a risk, stepped out of your comfort zone and found something BIG.

the risk that truly changed my life is going to seem little to most people. but it was BIG to marilyn (my twin sister) and i. 

when we turned 43 yrs old, we decided that it was finally time to take that road trip to florida that we had planned to do the summer after graduation. our goal was to have adventures from start to finish, driving as far south as we could and doing whatever felt right.

and that is exactly what we did.  from almost getting arrested at bruce springsteen's house on day 1, to being in washington dc when the monica lewinsky story broke, to seeing the sunrise and sunset up and down the east coast - it was filled with moments that make memories that are treasured for a lifetime. it was 10 days of heaven and it was our introduction to a place that for us is heaven on earth...key west.

sunset at mallory square

by the time we got to the florida keys, we were as relaxed as we'd ever been.  there were no cell phones back then.  there were no husbands telling us what to do, no jobs pulling at us, no schedules to keep, no pets to feed or children to care for.  it was three and a half days down to marathon and we were so freaking happy in that car every mile of the way there.  on the other hand, getting out of the car and going into a bar for a drink at our hotel was very stressful.  we felt totally out of place.  many times, we would abort.  most times, even.  we talked about it, wondered what our problem was - shyness? insecurity? awkward? all of the above?  after a lot of discussion, we figured out that the problem really was fear.  fear of feeling or looking like a socially inept person.  and the fear fed the reality.  we probably actually were awkward, insecure, shy and socially inept.  yikes.

so we made a pact somewhere in northern florida that we were going to address the issue, one bar at a time.  restaurants didn't throw us off, it was the nightlife atmosphere where we felt so vulnerable - it was all about social interaction with strangers in a meet/greet setting.   (the meet/eat settings were fine)  our first few attempts were not successful but we were learning little tips/tricks as we went - for example, don't take the first empty table so you can sit down and scan the room from a safe spot.  instead, stand there, look around for the spot that will give you the best view of the place and then sit.  sounds silly but it was big when it came to increasing our comfort level. 

sidewalk at the green parrot

by the time we got to key west, we had some success under our belt.  but key west is a town with a nightlife atmosphere 24 hrs a day.  we didn't know this.  our hotel was in marathon and we drove to key west for the first time on martin luther king day.  we didn't know much about the town at all, and didn't have a clue where to go.  we found a parking space and needed to get our bearings, so we decided to get a drink and re-group. 

there on the corner was a sleepy little island bar called the Green Parrot.  it had no windows, and was open to the beautiful january sunshine and looked perfect.  we braced ourselves for the onslaught of nervousness, picked 2 seats at the bar and ordered our drinks.  it was the start of a long love affair with a local hangout that is the epitomy of acceptance.

we have been there countless times since that day, and learned a whole lot of life lessons sitting on the stools with a beer and time to ponder.  the beauty of the Green Parrot is that anything goes.  the locals hang out with the tourists.  the tourists run the gamut from cool to gawky.  the locals are fascinating.  the servers are efficient.   the location is key west where the weather in january is awesome compared to the northeast.   the music is outstanding.  and they welcome everyone.  and they have a rule - no sniveling :)

our goal has to been to write a book together, titled The Lessons of the Green Parrot.  we've gone there to do research on more than one occasion and have gotten as far as listing out the lessons.  each lesson has multiple stories, lived by us and learned by us, that have changed our lives for the better.  we face things with not only some tips/tricks (which does help) but also with much more self confidence.  and we thank the Green Parrot - in person and in spirit -  for accepting us for what we were - 43 yr old wusses, searching for both acceptance and adventure.   we've come a long way on our search, and we believe it all came together on a martin luther king day, back in 1998. 

The Lessons of the Green Parrot
learned and lived by marilyn and marie :)

1 - Don't wait for perfect - embrace good enough
2 - Don't be afraid to look like a fool - nobody cares
3 - Don't miss the journey - seize each moment
4 - Don't jump to conclusions - it's not always what it seems
5 - Don't make it so complicated - relax, enjoy...
6 - Don't sit when you can dance - get up and get out there!
7 - Don't give it up for a party - enjoy today, but remember tomorrow
8 - Don't see with someone else's eyes - look for your own approval
9 - Don't live a false life - love what you do, do what you love. if other's can, you can too.
10 -Don't miss the lessons - always grow, always stretch. and no sniveling :)

going home...

today, i pack up and head back to Connecticut.

my vacation is over, got to leave the cape and go back to work...

i miss my cats, i miss my house, i miss the woods and the river at home.

but i don't want to leave here.

here, i feel a little bit more calm, more peaceful. 

once i get back, work feels different.   i work from the cape and its definitely work, not play.  but it feels a bit less intense, a bit less frenetic.  when i get home, work takes over and i squeeze life in, around it.  when i'm here at the cape, life comes first, and i also work. 

there is a lesson for me in those two sentences. 

the location i work from is not the deal, my attitude is what makes the difference.

i think that lesson could change my life if i can remember it when i get back home.

coming undone...

today i am taking back my life. 

i have been running straight out, no let-up, for the last few weeks.   actually its been a few months. i don't like living this way - i wake up in the morning (and in the middle of the night), wondering what i didn't get done. and wondering how to get it all done, how to catch up, so i can stop feeling this way...
i am exhausted.

work has been frenzied and that always turns me into a workaholic.  and the work is never done so the feeling of accomplishment is only a dream.  it hangs in front of me, keeping me striving, but i never reach the finish line.  as soon as i close in on it, it moves.

so at some point on friday afternoon, when i felt myself trying to drive fast enough to go back in time and was oh-so-close to tears, i reached a BIG low point. despite all my efforts, all my multi-tasking, i was still not catching up.  earlier, i had taken a conference call on speaker phone on mute while taking a shower in an effort to get it all done.  i'd worked almost 60 hrs and still missed a deadline.  there just was not enough time in the day to get it all done.

and that was exactly what i needed to remember.  there simply was not enough time to do it all.
i hadn't failed to figure out how to get it all done; there was too much to do.  it didn't mean i had to take a shower while listening to 11 people on the phone.  it meant i need to cut down on my To-Do list. it meant i needed to make different choices.  i needed to run my life instead of letting my life run me...

and i needed to accept that it wasn't all going to get done. 

this morning at 5am i woke up.  i felt the whirlwind starting in my head... ok, what's the list of things to do this morning blahblahblah. 
and all of a sudden, i sat straight up and said bullshit. 
this is not the way TODAY is going to go.
i am going to relax.  i am going to enjoy myself.
the feeling of control likely won't last but for this moment, i am drawing a line right here this saturday morning. 

and for this moment, i am choosing to let go of the endless list and just stop. 
what isn't done is going to stay that way.

today, i am coming U N D O N E ...  :)

freedom...

this is the 32nd holiday season i have worked at this job.
none of them have been easy but some have been harder than others. first, it's retail and that, in itself, brings a pile of issues as anyone who's ever worked retail during peak season knows. second, it's also portrait photography, and with that comes another pile of emotional stuff brought on by parents who want images of children at their best, at the cheapest price ever.   third, it's people management.  managing people who are dealing with the first and second issues already mentioned.  nothing about it is easy.

and thanksgiving comes right in the middle of all this.  i think, of all the holidays, it's the one that means the most to me. i live every day striving to 'appreciate the moment'. it's my lifetime goal and defines a huge part of every thing i do.  and yet, i'm wishing my life away, longing for january, or retirement, or a day off, or at least night time when stores are closed and i am F R E E . .

this thanksgiving, i got sick.  i felt it coming on tuesday and fought it but on it came. today, six days later, i am still fighting it. but the one good thing that came from it all is that i took sunday off.  i decided that nothing was going to pull at me for one whole day. 

i started stuff and stopped when i felt like it. unfinished. 
i wandered thru the internet, visiting blogs and websites that i like.
i browsed facebook whenever i felt like it, i played solitaire without guilt.
i ate snacks, many snacks.

and i took a picture ride.
my favorite lens is in the shop, my other lenses are acting up, the bags of bread for the geese are piling up and i was having picture-ride withdrawal.  so i went for a ride.  

and there is where i found what i was looking for.
its where i ALWAYS find what i am looking for.

i found F R E E D O M...

so, the hell with january, or sleeping. 
i am going back to going on a picture-ride every day.  not just snapping a shot on the way to work. or running out to shoot something because i need to post for last week's photo hunt. 
but an honest picture ride just for me. 
a time set aside to appreciate the day and the moment. 
a few minutes of F R E E D O M...