looking at 60

there are eleven more months of being 59 yrs old.

God willing, that is :)

i want to live deeply and fully for these 11 months. 

my plan is to develop new habits that make this part of my life all that i dreamed it would be.

my twin sister and i have a facebook page called looking at 60.

as we come across anything that helps us look at 60 with new eyes, we put it on there.  

our goals for this year are simple

we want our last year as 50-something to be the year of the Good Stuff. 

 

What is Good Stuff?

1 - Do Good... volunteer, donate, give back, pay it forward, feed the birds, donate coats....
2 - Play... in the snow, poker, Frisbee, kickball, pool/darts, go bowling... participate, not spectate.
3 - Appreciate... buy bouquet. watch the birds. walk in the rain. go to sunrise. taste-touch-smell-hear-see... 
4 - Be Bad... say yes instead of no. take a cab to a bar, sleep naked, drink beer for breakfast, trespass, share a sin LOL 
5 - Leave a Legacy. teach someone something, make a difference, touch a stranger, share The Adventure List, gather momentum...

                                              here's to Looking at 60, may it be all and more than we hoped for :)

 

where's the line

since 1979, i have written to myself to sort things out.

i had left my ex-husband and needed to figure out who i was, without his influence.

the theme of those years was clearly trying to find my own voice. 

i longed to be confident enough to live, as i called it, inside out. 

to let me be me, and to let go of approval seeking thinking.

did i ever get there? who knows.  but i don't care anymore so i think that's a good sign.  i am going to consider that as progress :)

the writings then seemed to turn to how to find a balance

between work and play, duty and adventure.  these were fun years. 

it wasn't an internal struggle for a voice, it was more of a constant quest for LIFE. 

the overwhelming need to appreciate the moment is evident in all the journals from my forties, into the fifties. i walked in the rain, rolled in the hay and played in the snow.  oh what a time it was.

and then, life moved on. my mother got sick and died.

all of the appreciation of the moment turned to fear of loss, longing for yesterday.

and bigger than all of that, how to go forward and

prepare for the end of my own life.  what would be my legacy? 

how would i live in my older years? would i be able to provide for myself? where would i want to be, who would i want to have been? 

 

these were feelings, not thoughts nor words. i didn't write in my journals.

i didn't read self help books. i didn't garden.

i worked. actually, i over-worked. 

and i took pictures. day and night.

i read blogs, i looked thru magazines, i watched hgtv.

i searched constantly.

for something, anything, everything.

for some reason, that gave me breathing room.  

 

as i think about it now, i think i was running.

running away, running towards...don't know.  

but subconsciously, i realized i needed to do, not think. 

however i'm not sure that i liked all the doing.

work pissed me off, at a level that it hadn't ever reached before. and that's because it felt like work was standing between me and LIFE.

 i wanted time to live my life. i wanted to own all of my minutes,

every freaking one of them. 

i knew at a deeper level that time was marching on.

giving away time - minutes, hours, days, weeks, years -

to work/lifetouch didn't sit well. they stole my minutes. so i stole minutes back.

i took pictures as i drove to work.

i took pictures at work.

i bought prop kits instead of setting goals,

i studied photography instead of sales results.  it worked for a while.

but now, today?  i am thinking no.

 

 

so now my writing, or my thoughts or my feelings, all end up at where's the line.

now i find i need to write about figuring out when is enough truly enough.

enough money in the bank to retire. enough years worked to retire.

enough trust in the future to say enough, and retire.

apparently, the key word is retire.

 

we bought our house at cape cod so we could live out our days there.

we thought it through - enfield had no draw for us except our jobs.

albany was home but it'd been 30 yrs since we lived there and

we weren't sure that it would be a joyful goal to go there. 

 it had a feeling of 'longing for yesterday' instead of living for today.

 

so cape cod was a great choice. it had a lifetime of history which gave it a feeling of 'home' along with a new twist - owning a house.  it did, however, add to list of to-dos. we DO more, instead of relax more. and this adds to the feeling of where is the line. where the hell are my minutes. i need more minutes.

 

i am an artist. i have been an artist since i was a kid.

i see things visually - from gardening, to photography, to hgtv.

i don't want to be a people manager. i don't want to be a sales manager.

i want to be - i AM - an artist.

 

so here i sit on a sunday morning, in late october.

ahead of me lies the crazy season at work when a 24 hr work day does not get the job done. and word is, this might be the busiest season ever.  yay.  just what i need.

but truth is, maybe this IS exactly what i need. 

a year that defines where that elusive line is.

where the commitment to work/lifetouch

clearly becomes more than i am willing to give.

the tug-of-war for my minutes and the confusion on where to draw the line is already taking a toll. i think that there's a break-through on the horizon.

and that makes me smile

 

so, come on santa claus, do your thing.

bring it on.

i think you might have a gift for me this Christmas.

and i just may be ready for it :)

 

 

a risk and a change. . .

today, the challenge for the beyond layers class, was to think about times when you took a risk, stepped out of your comfort zone and found something BIG.

the risk that truly changed my life is going to seem little to most people. but it was BIG to marilyn (my twin sister) and i. 

when we turned 43 yrs old, we decided that it was finally time to take that road trip to florida that we had planned to do the summer after graduation. our goal was to have adventures from start to finish, driving as far south as we could and doing whatever felt right.

and that is exactly what we did.  from almost getting arrested at bruce springsteen's house on day 1, to being in washington dc when the monica lewinsky story broke, to seeing the sunrise and sunset up and down the east coast - it was filled with moments that make memories that are treasured for a lifetime. it was 10 days of heaven and it was our introduction to a place that for us is heaven on earth...key west.

sunset at mallory square

by the time we got to the florida keys, we were as relaxed as we'd ever been.  there were no cell phones back then.  there were no husbands telling us what to do, no jobs pulling at us, no schedules to keep, no pets to feed or children to care for.  it was three and a half days down to marathon and we were so freaking happy in that car every mile of the way there.  on the other hand, getting out of the car and going into a bar for a drink at our hotel was very stressful.  we felt totally out of place.  many times, we would abort.  most times, even.  we talked about it, wondered what our problem was - shyness? insecurity? awkward? all of the above?  after a lot of discussion, we figured out that the problem really was fear.  fear of feeling or looking like a socially inept person.  and the fear fed the reality.  we probably actually were awkward, insecure, shy and socially inept.  yikes.

so we made a pact somewhere in northern florida that we were going to address the issue, one bar at a time.  restaurants didn't throw us off, it was the nightlife atmosphere where we felt so vulnerable - it was all about social interaction with strangers in a meet/greet setting.   (the meet/eat settings were fine)  our first few attempts were not successful but we were learning little tips/tricks as we went - for example, don't take the first empty table so you can sit down and scan the room from a safe spot.  instead, stand there, look around for the spot that will give you the best view of the place and then sit.  sounds silly but it was big when it came to increasing our comfort level. 

sidewalk at the green parrot

by the time we got to key west, we had some success under our belt.  but key west is a town with a nightlife atmosphere 24 hrs a day.  we didn't know this.  our hotel was in marathon and we drove to key west for the first time on martin luther king day.  we didn't know much about the town at all, and didn't have a clue where to go.  we found a parking space and needed to get our bearings, so we decided to get a drink and re-group. 

there on the corner was a sleepy little island bar called the Green Parrot.  it had no windows, and was open to the beautiful january sunshine and looked perfect.  we braced ourselves for the onslaught of nervousness, picked 2 seats at the bar and ordered our drinks.  it was the start of a long love affair with a local hangout that is the epitomy of acceptance.

we have been there countless times since that day, and learned a whole lot of life lessons sitting on the stools with a beer and time to ponder.  the beauty of the Green Parrot is that anything goes.  the locals hang out with the tourists.  the tourists run the gamut from cool to gawky.  the locals are fascinating.  the servers are efficient.   the location is key west where the weather in january is awesome compared to the northeast.   the music is outstanding.  and they welcome everyone.  and they have a rule - no sniveling :)

our goal has to been to write a book together, titled The Lessons of the Green Parrot.  we've gone there to do research on more than one occasion and have gotten as far as listing out the lessons.  each lesson has multiple stories, lived by us and learned by us, that have changed our lives for the better.  we face things with not only some tips/tricks (which does help) but also with much more self confidence.  and we thank the Green Parrot - in person and in spirit -  for accepting us for what we were - 43 yr old wusses, searching for both acceptance and adventure.   we've come a long way on our search, and we believe it all came together on a martin luther king day, back in 1998. 

The Lessons of the Green Parrot
learned and lived by marilyn and marie :)

1 - Don't wait for perfect - embrace good enough
2 - Don't be afraid to look like a fool - nobody cares
3 - Don't miss the journey - seize each moment
4 - Don't jump to conclusions - it's not always what it seems
5 - Don't make it so complicated - relax, enjoy...
6 - Don't sit when you can dance - get up and get out there!
7 - Don't give it up for a party - enjoy today, but remember tomorrow
8 - Don't see with someone else's eyes - look for your own approval
9 - Don't live a false life - love what you do, do what you love. if other's can, you can too.
10 -Don't miss the lessons - always grow, always stretch. and no sniveling :)

Adventure List

my sister and i have spent the last 12 years doing The List. we created lists of adventures - big and small - and did amazing stuff. we learned loads of lessons and shared so many special moments. it brought life to our lives.
but the past few years, The List seemed to lose its power. it used to be if we wanted something to get done, all we had to do is put it on The List. nowadays, not so much. now, we feel guilty, disappointed, even lazy because of what we are not doing.
so this week, i tried to get the power of The List back. i figured spring is the season of new beginnings, of new life. and Lord knows, i need a new beginning and new life in my life. so i decided to pick a word every day and photograph that word. very simple - not enough to suck away a lot of time, but enough to make me stretch.
and it worked. i had a lovely week. i doubt that i changed my life the way that The List did. but i certainly feel more aware of my surroundings, more committed to stretching myself in some way every day, more joyful and more creative. it's a good start - a good beginning...