hellooo...

i am hoping august is the month.

i've been on hold, waiting and wondering.  testing the waters occasionally but each little step forward proved to be a no-go.

the deal is that i am trying to emerge from an overdose... a photographic/deadline/hell-hole of my own making.

it appears that the photography chairman's award contest at work, combined with photo hunt word of the day on facebook, and texture tuesday, and beyond layers, and my own projects such as self portrait every day, put me over the acceptable levels of photography projects with due dates and/or deadlines.

i don't know exactly what happened, or even when it happened, but i lost the light for a bit over these past few months. 

i haven't figured out exactly how to go forward.  i miss posting stuff. i keep shooting and trying new stuff, with cameras and software etc.  but i am not sure i can trust myself to know my own boundaries yet.  i resist posting - on blogs, facebook, flickr, instagram - because i tend towards the all-or-nothing kind of mindset.

so i am letting go of a few things, lightening up on some others and looking for a better balance.  i need some down time.

work is and has always been way too intense.  part of the lure of the photographic/deadline/hell-hole of my own making that i found myself in was an attempt to balance out the insanity of work with intensity of play.  and that actually worked for a couple of years, adding a whole lot of happiness to my life.  and then something went wrong.

work is still way too crazy.  i am working hard at letting go of some of that 'crazy' because i recognize that lots of that is self inflicted too, and there is a way to work smarter, not harder. (and truthfully, if my little plan for that doesn't work, at least i will get the '...not harder' part of the deal. which at this point, is good enough for me).

the play, on the other hand, is still a bit of mystery. not sure yet how to recognize 'too much.'
so i start with a post here, a finished assignment there and hope it feeds me that right amount of inspiration to bring me back from the edge of crazy.

awwww little blog, and little world of shooting-every-minute-all-for-the-fun-of-it, how i have missed you!! 

yes, august just might be the month :)

dreams...

a house by the sea...

she sits contentedly,

and waits for someone

to love her back to life...

image enhanced with kim klassen's texture "friday"...

tuesday june 5

june 5th in our family is a sad day...
on this day in 1980, my father died. he was only 53 yrs old.  he was on take-off on the last leg home to albany ny, on a multi-stop business trip throughout the south and he had a heart attack.  the plane turned around, landed in pittsburg and they tried, unsuccessfully, to revive him. 

he had traveled a lot through the growing-up years.  we hated it when he left and loved it when he came home.  he kept in touch with the family when he was gone by phone.  he'd call every third day.  when we'd answer that highly anticipated call and hear the strange southern accent saying "will you accept a collect call from Raymond Grady?", it was very exciting. we'd all hang by the phone to get a turn to talk to him. i hope he felt the love from us all.

he didn't fly much in the last 10 yrs of his life. he told me that it hurt his ears.  he also told me that he had dreams - 13 of them - where he was on a plane and either he was the only one who lived or the only one who died. it freaked him out and i think caused a lot of anxiety.  the day he was leaving on the last trip, i asked him why he was flying instead of taking the train as he'd been doing.  he said work was pressuring him, and he felt he had no choice. and he added - he had insurance.  it was weird at the time and even weirder, thinking back.  i think the anxiety caused the heart attack and the whole dream deal became a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

but my dad was much more than just this early death. he was a quiet presence in our family. he loved going to the corner store every day, talking to the people who worked there. sometimes he would say crazy stuff, making us all laugh. other times, he was very quiet, watched tv, listened to the police scanner and read a lot of books. i remember that he and my mom hugged alot.  my brother was the middle hugger - he'd get in between them - the first of many group hugs :)   he loved the pets in the house - the dogs, toodie, princess, taffy - and trouble, the cat.  he became quite attached to trouble, surprising us all and himself too. 

he loved to dance.  he and my mom danced a lot.  she missed that when he was gone.  i like to think they danced together again, when she reached the other side. 

32 yrs since he left.  time passing has made it easier but no less of a loss.  midway thru the day yesterday, i was sorting out receipts for business trips of my own, trying to do my expense report. as i sifted thru the papers, i came across a pile of pictures.  in the middle of the pile was a picture of me with my dad and taffy the dog on our front step.  i'm not sure when it was taken - definitely the late 1970s but when exactly i'm not sure...

seeing this picture on June 5 was emotional. i love the smiles. i love everything about it. 

it felt like a happy hello and i went back in time to a special place. 

16 lanci lane. 

a happy place for a happy family.

mom and dad, you created a home filled with love. 

each one of us grew up with special love-filled memories. 

not everyone is a lucky as us. we knew it then and know it even more now. 

thank you for the love you gave, the security you provided, the future you created and a past that means the world to us.  you done good :)

you are greatly missed but the love you made is lasting and strong.

i am sure heaven is a better place because you are there, just like 16 lanci lane was. . .

miss you both, love you lots

intentions

my hope for my life :)

change...

wednesday's word for beyond layers was change...

for a girl who is looking for a change, the word was perfect :)

a favorite saying, a great texture from kim and a simple daisy...

hoping that combo helps the message

makes a lasting change in my life.

searching...

i am on vacation, trying to use my vacation hours before they expire in mid-june. 

as i got ready to check out for a week, the activity level increased to a point where i was truly overwhelmed.  when i got to that elusive moment when i was actually ON VACATION, i closed down - i went from total overload all the way to a complete slow down.

i spent a great weekend with family, wandered around cape cod with joey, eating our way from hyannis to provincetown.  everywhere, it was evident that summer has arrived on the cape.

it was wonderful.

but joey went back to work yesterday and i was feeling pretty lonely out here, just me and the cat. 

on the other hand, i need some alone time. 

my biggest goal for this vacation was to figure out how to go forward

with less frenzy, more peace. 

so i took a ride to the bay beaches at sunset,

hoping for some pictures that could give me a direction for my future. 

it was beautiful, quiet, peaceful...

after i got home to the cottage, i went online to see what the

 'beyond layers' challenge was for the week. 

it is QUOTE week - each day has a word prompt

and the goal is to find a quote for the word

and, in whatever way you want, absorb the quote for the day.

i was late but not too late to make that happen -

the word was peace and

i believe that for a little while, if not forever,

i found it :)

a great quote from martin luther king and 'golden' texture from kim klassen

a risk and a change. . .

today, the challenge for the beyond layers class, was to think about times when you took a risk, stepped out of your comfort zone and found something BIG.

the risk that truly changed my life is going to seem little to most people. but it was BIG to marilyn (my twin sister) and i. 

when we turned 43 yrs old, we decided that it was finally time to take that road trip to florida that we had planned to do the summer after graduation. our goal was to have adventures from start to finish, driving as far south as we could and doing whatever felt right.

and that is exactly what we did.  from almost getting arrested at bruce springsteen's house on day 1, to being in washington dc when the monica lewinsky story broke, to seeing the sunrise and sunset up and down the east coast - it was filled with moments that make memories that are treasured for a lifetime. it was 10 days of heaven and it was our introduction to a place that for us is heaven on earth...key west.

sunset at mallory square

by the time we got to the florida keys, we were as relaxed as we'd ever been.  there were no cell phones back then.  there were no husbands telling us what to do, no jobs pulling at us, no schedules to keep, no pets to feed or children to care for.  it was three and a half days down to marathon and we were so freaking happy in that car every mile of the way there.  on the other hand, getting out of the car and going into a bar for a drink at our hotel was very stressful.  we felt totally out of place.  many times, we would abort.  most times, even.  we talked about it, wondered what our problem was - shyness? insecurity? awkward? all of the above?  after a lot of discussion, we figured out that the problem really was fear.  fear of feeling or looking like a socially inept person.  and the fear fed the reality.  we probably actually were awkward, insecure, shy and socially inept.  yikes.

so we made a pact somewhere in northern florida that we were going to address the issue, one bar at a time.  restaurants didn't throw us off, it was the nightlife atmosphere where we felt so vulnerable - it was all about social interaction with strangers in a meet/greet setting.   (the meet/eat settings were fine)  our first few attempts were not successful but we were learning little tips/tricks as we went - for example, don't take the first empty table so you can sit down and scan the room from a safe spot.  instead, stand there, look around for the spot that will give you the best view of the place and then sit.  sounds silly but it was big when it came to increasing our comfort level. 

sidewalk at the green parrot

by the time we got to key west, we had some success under our belt.  but key west is a town with a nightlife atmosphere 24 hrs a day.  we didn't know this.  our hotel was in marathon and we drove to key west for the first time on martin luther king day.  we didn't know much about the town at all, and didn't have a clue where to go.  we found a parking space and needed to get our bearings, so we decided to get a drink and re-group. 

there on the corner was a sleepy little island bar called the Green Parrot.  it had no windows, and was open to the beautiful january sunshine and looked perfect.  we braced ourselves for the onslaught of nervousness, picked 2 seats at the bar and ordered our drinks.  it was the start of a long love affair with a local hangout that is the epitomy of acceptance.

we have been there countless times since that day, and learned a whole lot of life lessons sitting on the stools with a beer and time to ponder.  the beauty of the Green Parrot is that anything goes.  the locals hang out with the tourists.  the tourists run the gamut from cool to gawky.  the locals are fascinating.  the servers are efficient.   the location is key west where the weather in january is awesome compared to the northeast.   the music is outstanding.  and they welcome everyone.  and they have a rule - no sniveling :)

our goal has to been to write a book together, titled The Lessons of the Green Parrot.  we've gone there to do research on more than one occasion and have gotten as far as listing out the lessons.  each lesson has multiple stories, lived by us and learned by us, that have changed our lives for the better.  we face things with not only some tips/tricks (which does help) but also with much more self confidence.  and we thank the Green Parrot - in person and in spirit -  for accepting us for what we were - 43 yr old wusses, searching for both acceptance and adventure.   we've come a long way on our search, and we believe it all came together on a martin luther king day, back in 1998. 

The Lessons of the Green Parrot
learned and lived by marilyn and marie :)

1 - Don't wait for perfect - embrace good enough
2 - Don't be afraid to look like a fool - nobody cares
3 - Don't miss the journey - seize each moment
4 - Don't jump to conclusions - it's not always what it seems
5 - Don't make it so complicated - relax, enjoy...
6 - Don't sit when you can dance - get up and get out there!
7 - Don't give it up for a party - enjoy today, but remember tomorrow
8 - Don't see with someone else's eyes - look for your own approval
9 - Don't live a false life - love what you do, do what you love. if other's can, you can too.
10 -Don't miss the lessons - always grow, always stretch. and no sniveling :)